If you're anything like I was when my sons and daughters were young, your plan was just to raise your kids to be happy, healthy, responsible, independent adults.
And if you're anything like I was when some of them started running out of control, you're wondering how the hell you can even think about such lofty goals when you're struggling to keep your sanity and somehow hold things together.
(If you want some idea of how out of control my life was, read about it here!)
First some reassurance:
- There's nothing wrong with you.
- There's nothing wrong with your child.
- You're not alone.
- You're in the right place.
- I can help!
The first thing you have to do when life with your teen is spiralling out of control is to take a step back. This is called "disengaging."
Disengaging does not mean disengaging from your kid. Disengaging means disengaging from power struggles and any discussion of "hot topics": chores, curfew, school and homework, violence, sibling rivalry, drugs, choice of friends, lack of motivation, house rules, lack of respect, etc.
For one week (or as long as you can stand), give yourself permission to not nag, remind or complain about any of the things your kid does that drive you crazy. Do this for one week only! Then get back to me and let me know how it went.
Most parents, when they hear this plan, say, "But that's like telling them it's okay to behave that way! They'll think I approve - AND I DON'T!"
Seriously? Do you really believe your kid doesn't know what you think?!
Chances are you've been nagging, reminding and complaining for quite some while now. What results are you getting?
Is there anything you can say at this point that you haven't already said 100 times before? If so, say it now and get it over with. Then get on with this plan. After all, you have nothing to lose by trying this, do you?
Note: I'm not asking you to commit to this for a lifetime. This is a one-week experiment. That's all. Keep breathing!
In the next instalment, I'll give you a simple remedy to help you reduce the greatest barrier to trying something new: worry.
And over the next few weeks, I'll introduce you to my kids (all 6 of them!) and, with their permission, post pictures of them.
Looking for a parent support group? If you live in the GTA, check out APSGO (The Association of Parent Support Groups in Ontario Inc.). This group saved my life and sanity. It's amazing!
I plan to update this blog regularly, so send questions and comments and stay tuned! I'm looking forward to hearing from you!
5 comments:
Hi Sue,
I started the no nagging challenge today. Actually my whole family is in on it. We have a nag jar and whenever my husband or I are caught nagging we have to put a quarter in the jar. Today I put in $1.25. I find the jar has made me accountable and its fun!
love,
Elaine
Hello Sue,
We have a wonderful group here in Brampton. Of course the facilitator plays a big role. I am learning distinguish what is important and not important; look at my two sons for who they really are and build a relationship with them. I truly look forward to Monday.
love,
Cristina
Hi Sue,
Its Elaine again. I thought I'd discuss my challenges with not nagging. My daughter is asking me for all kinds of things that are unreasonable to me (i.e can we go to the park and its 9:00 at night). I am saying no and she keeps asking why. She is escalating to the point of hitting me. How do I get out of this swamp??
All of your blogs are GREAT!
Hi, Elaine!
Your question is difficult to answer, because I don't know what you've already said or done! So now I have a few questions of my own:
What do you say when she asks to go to the park at night?
Is wanting to go to the park at night unreasonable? What would happen if you said, "Sure! Let's go!" It's unpredictable and it's an adventure.
How do you respond when she continues to ask, "Why?"
And what do you say or do when she hits you?
That being said, here are a few ideas:
I noticed you said that going to the park at 9:00 p.m. is too late "for you." That's an important distinction from just "too late," because clearly it isn't too late for her! (Nor would it have been for me when my kids were young. On summer evenings, I would often take them to the park after sunset because we all loved being there when it was dark.)
If it's too late for you, be sure you say so: "It's too late for me. But let's reschedule."
(I like "let's" because it's inclusive and it's an invitation to take action - in this case, to choose another time.)
If she continues to ask, "Why?" just repeat that it's too late for you, and give her an opportunity to negotiate a time that suits both of you.
Alternately: "Clearly it's not too late for you! I get that. But it's too late for me. Would you like to reschedule, or would you like to do something else together for half an hour?"
Regarding her hitting you: What do you think she gets out of it? If she can't control you to take her to the park, maybe she'll settle for trying to control how you respond or how you feel by pushing your buttons!
As always, remain calm, confident and cordial. Don't run and don't retaliate. Then ask, "Do you think if you hit me I'll change my mind?" Wait for a response.
Another option is to say, "I'm willing to discuss this with you - but not now." Then go and deliberately do something else: dishes, laundry, reading. Make it clear you're not fleeing!
But those all have a fairly serious tone.
What about this: "Hitting me won't change my mind - but you're welcome to try!" - then laugh or giggle and start tickling her or play fighting with her.
Humour is often the best medicine. And the unexpected response is often the one that gets the best results!
If you don't see yourself as a victim of her tantrums, she won't either.
Good luck, hon! Let me know how it goes.
Wow, Thanks for the great response Sue!! I'm going to print it off. I am rereading choice theory and also reading warning, psychiatry ... I have decided to start over from the beginning and your blog is the perfect opportunity for me to do that with support! Do you think the content of your response to me today teaches one how to set limits and maintain structure without external control? I love you,
E
Post a Comment