Watch out for that pole!

My daughter shared with me something she learned in her driver's ed course: If you're losing control of your car, DO NOT focus on the pole you're headed for, or you'll hit it. Instead, focus on where you WANT to go. This will engage your brain and your hands to help get you where you want to go.

Interesting...

Same goes for problems: If you focus on a problem in the hope of solving it, you'll end up with ... a bigger problem! And if someone else is doing what you don't want them to do and you try to "fix" them, you'll likely end up with ... more of what you don't want!

Maybe this is what Einstein meant when he said:

One cannot solve a problem

with the same mindset

that created it in the first place.

Society's mantra about raising children, of course, is that we - as parents and educators - must get them under control and keep them under control. But what if this is the mindset that created the problem in the first place?

What do we do when we see our teen's behaviour as the problem? We do whatever we can to "fix" them: criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish and bribe. Maybe we coerce, manipulate or bully. Or we ignore them, throw them out, or put them on meds. Or we go beyond all that to giving up and feeling hopeless, helpless and despairing. And what do we get? More of what we DON'T want.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." After all, we only want the best for our children, right? We only try to control them because we have their best interests at heart, and we only try to make them feel bad so they'll behave well, right?

But could it be that believing we can and should control our teens is the mindset that creates most of our problems with them? Maybe, instead of trying to "solve" our kids, it's time to recognize our contribution to the mess we find ourselves in and start creating what we do want.

So how do we turn this around? Certainly not by doing more of what doesn't work! (That's Einstein's definition of insanity.)

So let's get our eyes back on the road:

• How would you like your home life to be?
• What kind of relationship would you like to have with your kids?
• Do you know any other parents who have that kind of home life and relationship with their kids? (If you don't know any real-life parents like that, pick a fictional character.)
• Now look closely: What do they do differently?
• Which one of those behaviours could you work on this week?

Send in your successes. And remember: Keep your eyes on the road ahead, not on the pole!

Six Things: A simple formula for creating healthy boundaries

Everybody knows what boundaries are:

Boundaries are limits I set
on other people's behaviour
that I expect them to respect and adhere to.

And every parent knows the language:

• "You can't ask for more money."
• "Don't ask me for a drive when I'm in the middle of making dinner."
• "Don't phone me after 11:00 at night."

But if these are the kind of boundaries you set, you're in for trouble, because you can't enforce them. They'll only work if others respect them, so you really have no control over them.

Here's an alternate definition of boundaries:

Boundaries are limits I set
on my own behaviour
that I respect and adhere to.

Compare these to the list above:

• "I'll give you this much money every week - this, and no more."
• "I won't drive you anywhere when I'm in the middle of making dinner."
• "I won't answer the phone after 11:00 at night."

Now you have clear boundaries that don't depend on anyone else for their success!

Fortunately, William Glasser has created a simple tool called "Six Things" that will put you back in control of your boundaries and let others know what they can - and can't - expect from you. Here's what you and others need to know about you in order for you to get along:

1.  Who you are.

2.  What you stand for.

3.  What you will do for and with them.

4.  What you will not do for them.

5.  What you will ask them to do.

6.  What you will not ask them to do.

This is a very simple, very powerful formula that you can use to set boundaries with anyone - but it does require some work and some thought. And you might want to consider leaving items off that you know you won't follow through on!

A friend of mine is a single mom of two teenagers, and she did her Six Things based on what she wanted them to know about her. That list is posted on her fridge - and now, because she has graciously given me permission to publish it, it's posted here, too! I hope you'll read it to the end and be as inspired by it as I was.

And then, when you've created one of your own Six Things, I hope you'll share your list with us, too.

Six things my kids need to know:

1.  Who I am.

I am a strong woman. I am a good Mum. I am a Daughter. I am a Sister. I am a friend. I am a good person.

2.  What I stand for.

I stand for peace. I stand for compassion. I stand for the underdog. 

3.  What I will do with and for you.

I will spend time with you, I’ll talk with you, walk with you, sing with you, hang with you, play with you, catch a flick with you, just tell me what you want to do with me. If we are not going to get arrested, I’m pretty much in.

I will love you. Unconditionally. I will be there for you when you need me. I will offer advice when you ask (and sometimes when you don’t). I will help guide you when I can. I will help you out when I can. I will give you some spending money from time to time, when I can afford to. I will provide food, shelter, heat, hydro (and cable and internet as long as I can manage to do that). I will provide a halfway decent house, that you are not embarrassed to ask your friends to come into. I will provide the stuff you need to clean your clothes and clean yourself. I will cook meals when it’s not an inconvenience for me to cook a meal. I will drive you sometimes. I will support you. I will be your soft place to fall although at times I’m sure that will feel a little lumpy. I will hug and kiss you, whenever you’ll allow me to, or just whenever you want one. I will give you my kidney, if you ever need one. If you both need one, you’ll have to flip for it (just joking, I have two). I will defend you if anyone tries to harm you. I will take a bullet for you. I will die for you. 

4.  What I won't do for you.

I won’t cook your meals, unless I have the time, energy and desire to do so. I won’t be your maid, I won’t be your chauffer. I won’t hand you money every time you ask me. I won’t allow you to walk all over me. I won’t be your free ride in life. I won’t bail you out or hire a lawyer if you break the law. I won’t help you on your way down. I won’t cover for you if you are cheating and stealing. I won’t stand by while you physically hurt another person. I won’t have your back if you maliciously maim or kill another human being or animal.

5.  What I will ask you to do.

I will ask you to walk our dog, every day. I will ask you to make sure our dog has clean water all the time and if I’m not there, that she is fed twice a day. I will ask you to pick up her poo on an almost daily basis so she doesn’t have to look like she is in a mine field every time she needs to go pee.

I will ask you to clean up after yourself. I will ask you to bring the dirty dishes from your room to the kitchen. I will ask you to hang up your wet towels instead of leaving them on the floor. I will ask you to do your own laundry (and, yes, that includes bed sheets). I will ask you to help me when I’m doing something I need your help with. I will ask you to keep me informed of your whereabouts, so I can have an idea where you are and who you're with if I need to find you.

I will ask you to respect me, as I respect you. When I ask you to stay out of my room and don’t touch my stuff, I mean stay out of my room and don’t touch my stuff.

I will ask you to try and be a good, loving, peaceful, compassionate and decent human being (society needs more of those, the world needs more of those).

6.  What I won't ask you to do.
I won’t ask you to clean up after me. I won’t ask you to drive me anywhere or give me money, I won’t ask you to let me ride your coattails. I won’t ask you to clean my room or do my laundry. I won’t ask you to bail me out of jail. I won’t ask you to do anything that I haven’t or wouldn’t do myself. I won’t ask you to be my friend, I’ll settle for being your Mum. I won’t ask you to steal or cheat for me. I won’t ask you to do anything illegal. I won’t ask you to love me more than you do. I won’t ask you to defend me. I won’t ask you to save me. I won’t ask you to die for me.